The Surprising Romance of Thriller Movies - How to Find Comfort in Stressful Moments with a Partner
How often do we sit down to watch a movie, only to find ourselves absorbed not by the plot or special effects, but by the intricate dynamics of human relationships? It might seem odd, but even a thriller movie can offer a profound lesson in relationship care. Keep reading to find out how!
I'm not focused on the aliens
#SorryNotSorry. I get so distracted because I'm just ✨obsessed✨ with all things relationships. You could hear a whisper from 10 yards away in this dark theater. We’re all on the edges of our seat, anticipating the next jump-scare.
But and my mind goes into couple's therapy mode watching the new Alien Romulus movie. My brain goes “oh my gosh, this is such a great example of co regulation!”
If you’re scratching your head thinking ‘what the f*ck does that mean?’ lemme give you the deets.
Co-regulation is essentially the ability to use yourself and someone else to calm down your nervous systems.
Coregulation is what parents do to young babies when they are trying to comfort them when they're upset and crying 👶. They rock them back and forth, sing them a soothing song, engage in skin to skin contact, and even lock in on eye contact.
These are valuable tools to reassure the baby in distress that they are safe. But it’s not just for the tiny humans. Us adults greatly benefit from this kind of comfort as well! In fact, it’s what secure functioning relationships do.
They showcased examples of this in the new Alien movie well when the main characters were in high stress situations - I mean who wouldn’t while fighting for your life against aliens?
Stress is not good for sneaking around aliens 👽
OR having deep and thoughtful relationship conversations about important topics. & apparently… aliens can sense the change in body heat brought on by stress when adrenaline and cortisol start pumping.
Simply put: Stress = lower chance of getting out alive.
In both Alien and the new A Quiet Place movie, one main character took the other's face after noticing their fear and looked into their eyes to help them calm down.
They knew in order to get out alive, they HAD to be as calm and undetectable as John Wick moving through a dark alley.
They kept doing an amazing job of creating safety for each other, locking eyes and saying things like, "You're okay, I've got you," to help them stay balanced, not panic, and avoid getting shredded by these sound-hating alien creatures.
THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Why is coregulation important?
Well, you're gonna freaking need it if you want a lasting healthy bond. Coregulation is important because there are gonna be plenty of times in your relationship where you are going to be misattuned from connection and things can go haywire pretty fast.
When a difficult topic comes up between you and a partner, co-regulation is going to be your superhero to help you calm you down, get you back into a better state of mind, and feel more on the same page.
Think about the last heated argument you got into with your sweetheart:
Did the convo keep going around in circles leaving you with no resolution?
Did you feel like your thoughts were spinning out of control?
Did you have a sudden or intense emotional reaction to something your partner did or said?
Did you or a partner make an impulsive decision based on this argument?
The list above isn’t comprehensive but they’re all signs that emotional dysregulation—meaning your emotions are heightened and difficult to manage.
In this state, your nervous system becomes triggered and starts scanning for potential threats, making it hard to focus on complex tasks or think things through logically until you’ve had a chance to calm down.
This is your primal instinct kicking in and trying to protect you. This means you will need to care for your brain and body or coregulate with your partner and do it together or else you’re setting yourself up for laying another brick in your wall of resentment.
The video below from Dr. Russ who educates people on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) talks about why we get wrapped up in these intense negative cycles:
What's important to realize here is that tending to the feelings immediately is going to fix your problems a lot sooner than going into discussion and trying to talk about the content.
If you're feeling more at ease, you're going to have all the bandwidth to have constructive conversations.
5 Keys to Calm Down an Argument using Co-Regulation
1. Commit to taking care of each other when you notice the first sign of stress
This would be best discussed and agreed upon as a guide BEFORE your next argument. You can use it as a general rule of thumb and reminder to work towards secure functioning in those tough moments. It can be as simple as a statement of:
“I value our honesty and commit to working with you as a team for the good of our relationship. I commit to being caring and helpful.
When you start to slow down, this is going to help you feel more connected and interact in a way where it establishes safety and security. Once that is done, you can start shifting towards more safety (examples later on).
2. Calm each other down by noticing what stress looks like in each other.
To harness a conflict from getting out of control, the initial step is awareness. Recognize signs of stress in your partner. It may show up through:
facial expressions
body language
physical signs of stress
changes in tone, volume of voice, or other speech changes.
Notice if your partner is tearing up, avoiding eye contact, taking short breaths, or showing other signs of having difficulty identifying/managing and/or expressing emotions.
Awareness is key, as it sets the stage for responsive actions that prioritize emotional safety and comfort.
3. Once stress is identified, aim for physical closeness
Closing the distance on your physical gap or getting closer with a gentler demeanor can foster a soft environment for peace and reconnection. If you’re having a more difficult conversation embrace gestures like:
clasping your partner's face if you have permission for consented touch
maintaining tender eye contact
pausing before speaking
lay next to each other and using the silence to slow down
or speaking in softer tones and reassure them of your love
Physical intimacy serves as a catalyst for emotional attunement, creating an environment where partners feel secure. Physical contact can look like hugs, kisses, putting your hand on the other's shoulder.
4. Be interested in your partner’s state
Express curiosity about how your partner is doing. One way to get better at co-regulating is to show that you care about how your partner is feeling.
You could say something like,
"Hey, I think I accidentally said something that upset you because I noticed you reacted to what I just said. I want to make sure I understand you. Can you tell me what happened?”
Make sure that you are using comforting words to show your partner how much you love and care for them. You may even say something like, “Babe, I love you.” Or “Sweetheart, you are the most important thing to me.” Remember it’s important to apologize sooner than later and take responsibility for what you regret about your part in the conflict or what hurt you may have caused.
5. Repair Quickly
Showing that you truly care and offering reassuring words can really boost trust. Just a few heartfelt affirmations of love and appreciation can make a huge difference! Repair as soon as you can. This is going to help you and a partner feel better and be your fast lane to getting back on track and feeling anchored in your bond.
Sample Repair Statements:
“That hurt my feelings, please say that more gently.”
“Ouch, that didn’t land the way I wanted. Let me start again in a softer way.”
“I want to be gentler to you right now and I don’t know how. I may need a few minutes to cool off before talking about this further. Can we re-group in 30 minutes to check in?”
“I might be wrong here.”
“Sometimes it’s hard for me to not focus on differences. It sounds like we both agree on…”
“This is not your problem, it’s OUR problem.”
Remember this as you start practicing these calming strategies to coregulate with your partner:
Building a strong relationship takes a bit of patience and a whole lot of dedication, but trust me, the rewards are totally worth it! We are all human and make mistakes.
I hope the next time you see a thriller flick and they calm each other down that you think of these keys to comfort in times of stress.
