Breaking patterns of codependency: healing the wounds from a dysfunctional family to thrive in adult relationships
In today's fast-paced world, where emotional intelligence often takes a backseat, navigating relationships, especially for those coming from dysfunctional family backgrounds, can be a labyrinth of unresolved emotions and challenges.
The life story of Lianna Purjes, LCSW, and the mission of Paige Bond, LMFT, conveys a beacon of hope for many walking this tightrope. Their recent conversation on the Stubborn Love Podcast delves into the depths of overcoming childhood trauma, resentment, and the journey towards building resilient and fulfilling relationships.
From Fear to Empowerment
Lianna Purjes opens up about her personal journey, sharing insights into the challenges she faced. Growing up in an alcoholic home, fear, rejection, and abandonment became her constant companions, intertwining to form a complex web of emotions.
Her initial career as a special-ed teacher brought her face to face with children experiencing similar trauma, pushing her toward a path of self-discovery and healing through therapy and coaching.
Empowerment Through Understanding
The journey from resentment to resilience, as shared by Lianna, involves developing an understanding of one’s own attachment style, navigating the dynamics of codependency, and mastering the art of setting boundaries. The conversation also casts a light on the vital role personal therapy and community support, such as Al Anon, play in healing and growth.
Attachment and Relationships
Attachment theory emerges as a significant theme, with both Paige and Lianna stressing the importance of understanding our attachment styles for healthier adult relationships.
As mentioned in the podcast episode, early relationships can have a significant impact on our expectations and interaction patterns in adulthood. A common type of relationship approach used at this Orlando, Florida based practice is called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).
“EFCT helps couples to build strong, healthy relationships by exploring and changing emotional dynamics to enhance mutual understanding and closeness.”
Attachment theory suggests that the kind of love we grew up with in our families of origin is the love that feels familiar in adult relationships, thus likely gravitating towards moreso unhealthy relationships if we didn’t have a healthy secure attachment with a caregiver.
Struggling with codependency can be filled with desperation for connection, but often feeling a sense of loneliness in the end.
The main attachment styles can be labeled as anxious, avoidant, and secure. People struggling with codependency generally lean towards anxious attachment, vascillating into self-sabotage tactics and feeling worried about the relationship’s vitality quite frequently.
Codependency and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA)
Codependency is a term coined in the 1970s used to describe people on the sidelines witnessing or trying to help their loved ones struggling with substance use and abuse. As the 12-step program became popular for people struggling with alcohol, Al-Anon was created for people effected by their loved one’s substance use.
“Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA)/Dysfunctional Families is a Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition program of people who grew up in dysfunctional homes.”
Children who grew up in homes with a caregiver struggling with addiction often took on certain traits to get them through that experience the best way they knew possible at that time. As adults, these can often show up as traits of codependency.
These would show up as a result of children feeling neglected, abused, abandoned, or growing up in the chaos and unpredictable environment that addiction gives. In many cases, these children would caretake the adult(s) in the home in some way, taking on a parent role to their own parents and taking on adult responsibilities to “keep life going.”
Common traits of codependency in relationships
Needing a sense of control
This can be wanting to control your partner’s behaviors, who they talk to, where they go in order to provide you with a sense of ease. The motivations behind control is fear that the worst case scenario is going to happen. I.e. “If I control who my partner hangs out with or where they go, they won’t cheat on me.”
People-pleasing / having a hard time saying “no” to things you don’t want to do
Afraid of your partner leaving you
This can also drive people-pleasing. You may end up doing things you feel like you have to do in order to keep your partner around.
You care more about your partner’s happiness than your own
You take on your partner’s emotions
i.e. Partner in a bad mood? so are you. Partner in a good mood? Looks like you’re happy again.
Lower self worth
The belief that your partner just wouldn’t make it without you or your help that you impose on them
Feeling responsible for your partner’s actions
And if your partner did something bad, you go into fix it mode to clean up their messes
You can’t let others know how you really feel or what you need
You overfunction to take care of your partner
The Path to Healing: Emotion Regulation and Coping Strategies
For those engulfed in the aftermath of growing up in dysfunctional homes, Lianna's story on this episode of the Stubborn Love podcast provide a roadmap out of the chaos.
Learning to recognize early warning signs of stress, practicing emotional regulation, and gently pushing oneself to set and respect personal boundaries paves the way for self-discovery and growth.
Exploring the Impact of Attachment and Emotional Regulation
When you’ve grown up in a dysfunctional family, you likely felt scrambled to find ways to cope with the chaos of what was happening around you, sometimes in unhealthy ways. If you never learned how to calm your nervous system down, you might be bringing some unhealthy ways of reacting to negative feelings into your adult life and relationships.
Some ways you may have tried to feel more at ease in a dysfunctional home may be:
Stuffing your feelings away so that it didn’t upset anyone
Running away from situations because if you engage in conflict, you received negative consequences
Using substances to numb the pain, uncomfortableness, quiet the anxiety, etc
Acting out aggressively and unleashing anger on people, objects, or other living things.
Using self-harm to cope with the emotional pain or help feel a sense of control
Isolate yourself away from the situation so that you remove the potential of more harm.
How to recognize stress signals
awareness is the first step to start making changes away from codependent behaviors and unhealthy coping strategies. So how do you know you’re on the path of destruction? Here are some common signs that you’re in a state of stress:
Physical symptoms
John Gottman coined the term Flooding as a signal for people to recognize when their body is in a state of physiological arousal. This can look like having muscle tension, headaches, a pit in your stomach feeling, you might notice your heart rate increase, or even things like appetite and sleep changes.
Emotional cues
You may start to point out when you’re feeling overwhelmed, irritable, anxious, sad, or shut down from yourself and your partner. You may even recognize mood swings and feeling out of control with your emotions.
Cognitive signs
You may notice that you can’t stop your racing thoughts, you struggle choosing between possible decisions, you start thinking worst case scenarios, and so on.
Numbing out
This can be done with anything really. Anything you do to avoid stress or uncomfortable emotions. Examples can be when you’re binge watching a show, doom scrolling on social media or the news, isolating yourself from the rest of the world.
How to calm down and self-regulate
There are soooo many different healthy coping mechanisms to use and they may not always work for the particular situation you’re in so it’s best to add as many as you can to your emotional toolkit. Here are some of my favorites:
Deep breathing
This is the most easily accessible way to slow down your heart rate and work on getting a clear head.
Progressive muscle relaxation
Meditation
Move your body
Writing / Journaling
Reach out to loved ones or other social support
Get grounded
If anything else, you can always reach out to support by calling 9-8-8 to speak with someone ASAP.
Navigating Codependency and Setting Boundaries
How to identify boundaries
Identifying personal boundaries is an essential first step in maintaining healthy relationships. It starts with understanding one's own needs and recognizing the feelings of frustration, anxiety, or discomfort that arise when these needs are not met.
Reflecting on past interactions can also provide clues to where boundaries might be needed.
For instance, if you notice a pattern of feeling drained after spending time with certain individuals, this could indicate a need to set limits on your time or energy with them.
How to set boundaries
Setting boundaries is not always easy, especially for those who have grown up in environments where their needs were not prioritized. The key is to start with smaller, more manageable requests before tackling more substantial issues.
It's important to communicate your needs clearly and assertively, without apologizing. For example, if a friend is consistently late, a boundary could be to request a text when they're en route. This simple act of asking respects both your time and the relationship, while also helping to build self-esteem and reduce feelings of resentment.
The Importance of Communication in Relationships
Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, acting as both a preventative measure against potential conflicts and a remedy for resolving them when they arise. Openly discussing one's triggers, warning signs of distress, and preferred coping mechanisms can empower both partners in a relationship.
When you communicate your triggers and stress signals, it ensures that each partner feels heard and understood, and it fosters a supportive environment where everyone can thrive independently and together. Offering patience and a willingness to listen can significantly improve relationship dynamics.
Final Thoughts
For those eager to delve deeper into their journey of resilience, or simply looking for guidance in navigating the complexities of relationships with having a dysfunctional upbringing, the Stubborn Love Podcast and Lianna's coaching program, "Resentment to Resilience," offer a wealth of resources, support, and inspiration.
