Get over your ex using the science of heartbreak recovery
Navigating the tumultuous waters of heartbreak can be a daunting journey. Dr. Elizabeth Michas, an expert in the field of heartbreak recovery, challenges traditional notions surrounding this painful experience. This blog post is inspired by an interview on the Stubborn Love Podcast, where I get lost in a captivating conversation with Dr. Michas, exploring the science behind heartbreak, debunking myths, and uncovering transformative approaches to healing from a painful heartbreak.
The Science Behind Impact of Heartbreak on the Brain
Heartbreak is more than an emotional ordeal; it's a complex interplay of brain systems. Dr. Michas introduces the concept of "love-stuck" and "love-struck," highlighting the profound effect heartbreak has on the brain's neural pathways.
She states, "Individuals recover from the loss, and the science really supports that targeting the brain to mend the heart versus just waiting for time to heal."
You can experience post traumatic distress, anxiety, panic attacks, love addiction, and grief after a relationship ends. It can really throw you through a loop and leave you feeling lost to pick up the pieces of your heart all by yourself.
Some people choose to see a therapist during this time to make sense of the loss. However, if a therapist is only validating and stabilizing the problem, you might feel like you’re running in circles and stuck in this pain.
Some people even drop out of therapy because it feels like it’s not working. Some things you might experience after a breakup are:
You’re even MORE obsessed with your ex
You might say to yourself “Will I ever get over this breakup?”
You don’t want to date because you feel hopeless or feel like it’ll end in another dead-end relationship
Crying yourself to sleep thinking about your ex
Increased or decreased appetite
Dr. Michas talks about how “Our brains are wired to be social and love. There's a particular system called the panic grief system that activates after a breakup or any disconnection, even when you lose somebody to death or a pet.” This creates the feelings of restlessness, physiological distress, crying, sadness, detaching and shutting down from your emotions.
When a breakup is unexpected, these physical symptoms are even more intense.
Dr. Michas calls the brain an organ of change and transformation and says “sometimes things are like broken records and we need to do a retune,” which she suggests bringing in more rapid or accelerated healing therapies for heartbreak recovery.
After a breakup, your brain is flooded with information processing so you’ll experience an influx of rapid thoughts, images, increased attention to memories (especially emotional ones) which can be really overwhelming to experience all at once. This is what happens when you are withdrawing from love and likely experience what Dr. Michas calls, post romantic distress, when there has been a change in your physical body.
You might try to tune away from the physiological signs of a breakup because it’s just so damn uncomfortable. Some examples to note are:
A lump in your throat
Eyes twitching
Blushing
Rashes
Butterflies in your stomach
Lack of sleep (especially true if struggling with intrusive thoughts)
Racing pulse or pounding heart
Rapid breathing
Dizziness
Sweatiness
Shakiness or weak knees
Pain and tension in different parts of the body from the head, to the chest
Even gut pain and nausea
And of course tearfulness
Feeling on edge
I know I’d like to avoid all these side effects of a breakup, who wouldn’t? But this is how we can update the response pattern and use interoceptive exposure to be reactivated so those sensations can then be processed out and you don’t have to live in fear of them. Accelerated Resolution Therapy can help your heartbreak and change your perspective about the loss.
Navigating Triggers: Reminders of Your Ex Can Stir Up Emotions
The love of your past can continue to haunt you even after the breakup, which makes it hard to get over your ex. For example, imagine you were mindlessly scrolling through your phone and come across a picture of you and your ex you hadn’t deleted, or started cleaning out your closet and come across a sentimental item from a special trip you took together, then noticing a surge of emotions hitting you.
Vivid memories of your ex can intrude on these moments, making them rush back and stir up those physically distressing symptoms as previously mentioned. Dr. Elizabeth Michas acknowledges this phenomenon, emphasizing the brain's tendency to replay past memories and drag them into the future. Triggers, such as revisiting text messages or photos, act as conduits for these distress signals, unleashing a cascade of emotions linked to the heartbreak.
Understanding the science behind these triggers becomes paramount in the journey toward recovery. Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) offers a unique approach to do just that by actively engaging the brain to reframe these distressing memories, providing a promising future when faced with these heartbreak tendencies intruding in the present.
What you’re going through is completely normal
You are wired for love, attachment, and connection. Our brains are not so advanced and still operate basically from the caveman brain. So your brain goes into survival mode after a relationship ends, thinking it’s been “ostracized from the tribe” and the body is “burdened by having to process and respond to something that keeps coming up,” like memories of the breakup, emotional distress, etc.
Dr. Michas mentioned that your brain is tricked into feeling like these sensations are like a “big scary monster” coming at you, so your natural inclination is to run away from it, though it makes the “monster” feel even bigger when we reinforce that narrative.
Something that I really love from the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy model is that when we can accept and create space for pain and discomfort, completely normal human experiences, we not only learn more about ourselves but also how to respond and flow with our emotions. When we do things to avoid painful feelings and situations, we get stuck in patterns we use to avoid that pain.
Dispelling Heartbreak Myths
One pervasive myth Dr. Michas confronts is the idea that time heals all wounds. She asserts, "No, it isn't time that heals," and that any “how long to get over a breakup” calculator existing out there is just giving you an arbitrary timeline. She talks about the importance of “targeting the brain to mend the heart” instead of waiting for time to go by is the sure way to go if you want to move on from your ex.
Other myths that suck or are just plain untrue:
"Find Someone New to Get Over It": The notion that immediately jumping into a new relationship is a cure, rather than addressing emotional wounds.
"Suppress Your Feelings": Encouraging the idea that ignoring or suppressing emotions is a healthy coping mechanism, hindering true healing.
"You Should Be Over It by Now": The misconception that there's a specific timeframe for recovery, overlooking individual differences in processing emotions.
"It's Your Fault": Blaming oneself for the breakup, which can lead to increased guilt, shame, and hinder the healing process.
The Brain's Role in Heartbreak and How Plasticity Helps
Dr. Michas introduces the brain's intricate systems involved in heartbreak, emphasizing the automatic nature of certain thought processes. She encourages understanding the brain's midline region, which defaults into automatic thinking. "You're not choosing to be a negative thinker; it's a feature of how your brain operates."
Dr. Michas unveils her groundbreaking Retune Protocol, an active brain plasticity system designed to reshape common negative thoughts associated with heartbreak. She stresses the importance of rapid interventions to help you get over your ex.
Our brains have this amazing ability to change quickly, especially when faced with challenging experiences like trauma or heartbreak. It's astonishing how, in the case of heartbreak, our brains can undergo significant changes overnight. When we go through tough times, the way we perceive ourselves and our self-concept can also transform.
Understanding how our brains tend to focus on negative thoughts, known as the negativity bias, is crucial. This bias makes our brains dwell on past events, replaying them and dragging them into our future experiences.
When we become aware of this process, it empowers us to shape our identity after a breakup. It's like gaining a fresh perspective – asking ourselves, who do we want to become?
Our brains are exceptional at adapting and working for us. However, if we let time pass without actively addressing negative thought patterns, it's easy to get stuck.
Rather than waiting for things to change over time, especially during periods of acute stress, taking an active role in shifting our mindset becomes essential. Setting a timeframe, like giving ourselves six weeks, is a practical approach to guide this transformation.
Understanding Memory Science for Healing After a Breakup
Dr. Michas explores memory reconsolidation science, an innovative paradigm challenging traditional extinction models. She describes the process as creating a new pathway in the brain, allowing for rapid changes. This transformative approach challenges the enduring pain associated with heartbreak, allowing individuals to keep the knowledge while losing the pain.
The rapid transformation with Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) can happen because of its unique re-exposure technique. Dr. Michas asserts, "We're doing stuff that's different during the process. We're just not opening it so people can have catharsis and cry or release something."
How do these significant transformations happen so quickly? It’s not just going into the painful memory or experience and sitting with it and having a good cry. Contrary to the catharsis-focused approach, the accelerated resolution therapy (ART) method believes in a more active and targeted process.
“During the therapy, individuals aren’t merely revisiting painful memories for emotional release. Instead, they engage in a dynamic process of actively working with these memories. The brain thrives on novelty and responds well to activities that stimulate change.”
Dr. Michas draws a sharp contrast between traditional methods of emotional healing, often gradual and incremental, and the Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), which offers a swift and transformative experience.
The therapy's efficacy lies in its unique ability to reshape emotional responses tied to memories, encouraging individuals to retain knowledge while shedding the emotional pain linked to breakups.
During ART sessions, participants actively engage with distressing post-romantic experiences, focusing on specific thoughts or scenes that are replaced or erased through suggestions introducing new perspectives. The accelerated nature of ART, distinct from continuous and repetitive practices, aligns with the brain's penchant for novelty and rapid change.
Dr. Michas underscores the therapy's success in detaching emotional responses from automatic replay. Notably, ART places a premium on keeping knowledge while discarding emotional burdens, allowing individuals to understand breakup events without being weighed down by emotional distress.
In a deliberate reactivation step, clients on their breakup recovery journey might imagine encountering their ex, often experiencing surprising emotional detachment. Dr. Michas explains that this transformation taps into the less rational two-thirds of the brain, necessitating diverse methods like hypnosis and eye movement reprocessing therapies.
Conclusion
Dr. Elizabeth Michas's groundbreaking insights challenge conventional beliefs about healing from heartbreak. This blog delved into the intricate dynamics of emotional and rational brain processes during a breakup, dispelling myths and underscoring the transformative potential of Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART).
Accelerated Resolution Therapy emerges as a powerful alternative, providing swift and lasting transformation compared to traditional talk therapies.
ART's unique ability to rapidly reshape emotional responses and break free from automatic replay sets it apart. Grounded in brain science and memory reconsolidation, this science-backed methodology outlines a roadmap for rapid, transformative recovery and serves as a guide for those navigating heartbreak.
Interested in Accelerated Resolution Therapy?
